Little by Little

There is a super cool Shaman from Columbia named Ramon Orlando who talks about sharing love and light and healing with the world. 'little by little' he often says about learning through his practice, or learning in general. I can be super impatient. i want to know it all right away. i can also be super arrogant. I think I know it all right away. but it turns out that Ramon is wise.  as I do more and more and live less in my head and more in this body and world I am actually experiencing that learning and changing is little by little. and it happens. and it hurts. and then it doesn't anymore. and it happened all of the sudden. little by little.

doing is emotional. learning is painful. being is the best

so. the show is on and it hurt to get here. it hurt in ways i couldn't have imagined but probably protected myself from knowing by living 'in my head' for so long. the weeks leading up were a swirl of nausea and fear and hope in equal parts. I was constantly making decisions, permanent decision that effected everything that would follow. and those decisions had big price tags. and i was nauseous and afraid and excited in equal parts. And i did it. sort of. the shop is in. the bags are made. mostly. and I am here. at the wythe. we are here at the wythe. please come visit. please.

thank you julie

The inner beauty bar is a work of love that I share with Julie Puttgen and the world. As I ramp up for my WIL B show I wanted to not lose the amazing work we are doing together. I wanted to include it. Bring everything together. But doing the right thing is also having patience to let some things settle. let some things wait on the stove while others are being served. in trying to include too much I lost a bit of what i had. I couldn't quite balance everything and i didn't understand why.  And then my sister Julie reappears with her strength and brave and wisdom. And I will share details later but for now I will just share my love and gratitude. To have a friend that allows me to learn by being uncomfortable with her and also still be loved. I am so so so so grateful for all that is, that is in me and my everything. LOVE YOU JULIE. check out 108namesofnow.com to learn more of our truth. 

Getting out of the imagination actually makes me nauseous.

So I have a show. I have dates. I have a real show {pop-up [ethical] sweatshop}, in a real place {Wythe Hotel} with real support of real people and that is real terrific and real overwhelming and i want to vomit all day for real. every decision is a final decision so that things can move forward. So things can happen. so things that are real. Getting out of my head is actually making me nauseous. 

Can we TV better?

in trying to craft a show I came to realize anew, all reality tv, if not all tv, is about letting yourself feel smarter, more clever, less of an idiot/asshole/whore than what you see. It affords you the safety and assurance of your own armchair. It reassures your inaction in the world by showing you how ridiculous you would be if you actually ventured out. 

"my life might suck," the TV watcher will think, "but at least I am not that desperate" 

smart and enlightened, which we armchair watchers want too, a market that needed addressing that eluded schools and online efforts got captured by TED and his talks. 18 minutes to get motivated/educated. Enter the intellectualinfomercial and it's own contained glory. let me sit and feel smarter without doing any of the work. 

So,

The question then, the one that has always captivated me, can we use TV better? Can we use it to lift us off - not judge and stay immobile and sink back in?

Too much writing?

There is an opinion amongst those that are fluent in internet that too much writing, too much smart writing on a website is not a good thing. Is that true? I really want to think not. I want to also think that we have patience and a way to be patient with complicated and layered ideas, but maybe the work is figuring out how to construct that complexity in a way that serves the medium best. 

We are all in it together. sort of.

For a long time I have been building a case around the idea that 'we are all in it together.' But recently it was put to me that in addition to 'oneness' we have to look at difference, how things are not the same. We were speaking about religion specifically - how religions are actually different from each other. I think that is true. There is the truth of being and spirit but they resonate differently and with different people and truth within people. The same feels true of what I know of people. I was trying to talk about the sameness of our mission - ' we are all in this life together' but in truth we are all seeing and manifesting and navigating differently. It's a tricky balance but honoring what is different is a way to enhance and grow what is also resonating inside of you. Confused? me too. 

On why I am suspicious of blogging

Recently my texting addiction was brought out into the open. Not that it exists, that is nothing new. When I get excited about a person, and idea, or idea about that person I can hardly hold back- even when my fingers threatened to be cut off. But I couldn't understand the shape of how my addiction didn't serve me. I just thought the person I was sending it to was too limited to accept my awesome insights or engage with them. (wow- typing that out really does look like the thoughts of a crazy person) 

Anyhoooo- this week I got a text response that pushed on my consciousness with such a force it made me stop and pause and quiet.  By texting thoughts as they floated by, even if I got totally excited about them, I was avoiding not the thought, but some feeling that was underneath that thought. Like if I didn't send it, if I held onto it, I could actually learn something beyond the way my first thought organized. By letting what was underneath that first thought  just settle in me, for me, I can get the gift of what is really emerging. But I was avoiding that lesson. I wanted to get some gold star for insights and intelligence and not the blossom of maturity. 

And I say that here, in a blog because it is not to anyone in particular and possibly read by no one at all. Because my suspicion of blogging has been - who cares? Who are you writing to? What is the point? But then suddenly wisdom emerges in the no-one-in-particular. This is a medium that seems not to rattle anyone directly and yet I can let myself take shape and offer that shape. Yesterday I said I was committing to my What I Live By my personal WILBy of each day on this blog and I guess this is it. I am committed to the truth of myself but I am scared to actually look at it and have it seen. And when it is, I sometimes don't like it,or want to change it. So committing to public words feels scary - so I send them to the people who silently support me. Seems misaligned. So today I change. Today my WILBy is that I can stand with a shape. At least for myself. So that it can disappear and be free. Namaste, bitches. 

 

 

What I Lived By Today

Ok. New Format. I'm gonna try to live by my own little What I Live By thing - I will make a list for each day. What I consumed - experience or products- and try to see where I exercised my caring/not caring free/not free will.  and doing that feels super overwhelming to me.